


Just Deserts

by TimeTest



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Dean - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Jealousy, M/M, Rape, Sam - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, castiel - Freeform, seedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:33:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeTest/pseuds/TimeTest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is sick of being dismissed and condescended by Dean. In a drunken display of dominance, he takes control, and teaches Dean a very harsh 'lesson', that he won't soon forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N  
> I've never really written anything like this before. I love Castiel, and it felt really weird writing him like this! I'd like to think I did an alright job.

Dean sprawled out on the motel couch as he flipped through his dad's journal, searching for information on a rare monster he and Sam were tracking. "Damnit," he grumbled under his breath, "I wish he kept this crap in better order." Glancing at his watch, he sighed and rested the journal on the floor in defeat. Sam would have more luck at the internet cafe.  
His jaw clicked as he yawned and stretched out his muscles, lazily swiping at the remote for the tv.

Just as Dean was dozing off, the door slammed open and after it staggered in Castiel.

"Cas? You okay?" Dean jumped to his feet, grabbing a hold of his angel to steady him. He glanced behind him to see if he was being tailed, "Cas? Talk to me, what's wrong?"

Cas pushed Dean to the side, stumbling into the motel, "M'fine,"

Dean narrowed his eyes in aggravation, "Cas, are you drunk?"

"No..," Castiel wobbled as he turned back toward Dean, "..Yes."

"Angels can get drunk," Dean mused to himself. 

Cas stepped back toward Dean, leaning heavily into his side, "I've been thinking a lot about us, Dean."

His breath was potent. Dean was sure that his breath could sterilise anything. He coughed, pulling away, "Dude, you need to walk this off, alright? It can't be good for you. Uh.. Just don't fly, okay?" He steadied the angel and walked him a step closer to the door.

Castiel realised he was being dismissed. He stopped and stared at Dean hard, "Have you had a woman in here?"

"What?" Dean blinked, caught off guard by the question, "Cas, there's no one here. I was just resting my feet on the couch when you came in. You saw, right?"

"I didn't mean right now, moron," Cas stretched his neck from side to side before taking ahold of the sides of Dean's shirt, walking him backwards into the room, "Just because I'm not around half the time, does not give you permission to sleep with whores. If I remember correctly, you're mine." He pulled Dean in close, hissing into his ear, "I don't. Like. Sharing."

Dean rolled his eyes, pulling away once more. The last thing on his to-do list was have a drunken relationship discussion with a fucking angel that is never around. "Sorry, but right now, there is no 'us', okay? There's me, there's you, and there's the door. Come back later and we'll talk about this, sober."

"Dean," Cas held Dean's wrist as he reached for the door handle, "You're not listening to me." 

Dean's face dropped. "Cas, let go of me."

"Listen to me, for the first time in your existence, just listen, Dean!" Cas' grip tightened.

"Agh, _fuck_ , Cas!", Dean curled in on himself, "You're breaking my arm-"

"That's why you need to listen to me, Dean- why can't I just have you? Why do I have to share with some bitch called Lara? Or some whore called Rebelle? Which for your information, both of those names are aliases. I'm _real_ , I won't lie to you about my name, Dean."

"What..? Cas, this isn't you. Since when have you cared about the people I sleep with? You're being a fucking dick, and you need to leave. Now." Dean reached for the door with his other hand.

"But I want you-," Cas pulled Dean away from the door and shoved him to the ground. "I want you more than anyone, Dean," Cas clambered ontop of his hunter and pinned him down by the nape of his neck with his forearm.

The hotel carpet was filthy. The stench of old cigarette smoke and spilled alcohol filled Dean's nostrils.  
Winded, he gasped and coughed. "Cas," he took another gasp of air, "get- off of me."

"You think you can do whatever and whoever you want, but you can't." Cas nudged the inside of Dean's thigh, "You're only a human. You're weak. Powerless. You're mine, Dean. I want you."

"Alright," Dean squirmed under Cas, who held him firmly in position, "Point made, Cas. Let me up."

"I've got needs," Cas pulled at Dean's jeans with his free hand, ripping them against Dean's hips, "I've got cravings and desires that need to be satisfied, too. It's not just humans, you know. Just because, just because I'm an angel doesn't make me second class." 

"I don't think you're second class," Dean grunted as he pushed against the pressure, "I think you're a dick, now get _off_ ,"

Cas pulled and slapped at Dean's ass, "It's not your turn to be selfish."  
With no warning, preparation or consent, Cas pushed himself into Dean, pushing as deep as his length would allow.  
Dean lurched forward and collapsed, crying out in pain. The world spun.

Castiel let go of his neck, held his hips tightly and pulled him back onto his cock. "I'm the only one you should be with," Cas breathed, "I'm the one that loves you the most."

Dean bit through his lip, as tears streamed down his face. It felt like he was getting fucked by a baseball bat. He pulled his elbows into his sides, attempting to crawl away again, and again, only to be pulled back into Castiel's merciless thrusts.

" _Cas-_ " Dean couldn't catch his breath, " _Stop-_ "

"You're not getting away this time." Cas pumped harder, "You need to be taught a lesson."

He knew he hurt Castiel, and the was taking it out on him. All the girls he took into his bed were to get back at Cas for leaving him- or to try to fill the void that was left open when his angel disappeared for months without word. He stopped trying to get away from this. This pain that he rightfully deserved.

" _I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.. Cas.. Please.._ "

Dean's mind went blank. He felt numb. All he could hear was the slapping of skin on skin, and the occasional grunt of the angel on top of him.

Castiel's thrusts grew harder, he dug his fingers into Dean's hips and sped up, "Oh.. Fuck, Dean.." he moaned, as he pumped his orgasm deep inside Dean's ass. He leant forward and kissed the middle of his spine, before releasing his grip, and letting the limp hunter fall to the floor.

He stood up, walked around Dean's body and crouched next to his face. "Thank you for understanding our relationship," he wobbled and stepped backwards, "We'll talk about this later, sober."

He tilted his head up to meet Castiel's gaze, but the angel already took off. He winced at the pain from his ass as he managed to crawl to the bed to help himself stand. He unbuttoned his shirt, and let his pants slide off of his feet. He stumbled to the bathroom, and clambered into the shower recess, with the water running as hot as he could handle. He folded his legs to his chest and stared at the blood trailing down the drain.

~

 

" _Dean_.."

" _Dean_ -"

"Dean. Hey!"

Dean woke up freezing, with Sam yelling him into consciousness.  
He was still in the shower, but the water had run cold. Disoriented, he batted Sam's hands off of him, flinching away from his brother. He saw Sam's mouth moving, but all he could hear was a hum. Sam looked worried.

He turned the shower off and left the room, coming back with a blanket a beat later.  
Dean leant forward as Sam draped it over his shoulders. He helped as much as he could as Sam lifted him out of the shower and walked him to his bed.

Sam sat next to him, rubbing at his back in an attempt to warm him up and calm his tremors. He'd only seen his brother like this a few times, and that was after bad life changing hunts, and once when he was younger.  
"Dean," Sam soothed, "do you need a hospital?"  
Sam furrowed his brow when Dean buried his face into his pillow.

He reached into his pocket and flipped his phone open, but before he could press 'call', Dean's hand covered his own. "Don't."

"If you don't want an ambulance, should I just call Cas?"

Dean let out a sob, let go of Sam's wrist and pulled the blankets up over his head, " _don't_."  
It was Castiel's intention to leave him without healing him. He deserved to physically feel what his angel felt on the inside. This hurt was his fault.

As the blankets moved over Dean's body, Sam noticed that Dean's exposed hip was bruised and grazed, "Hey," he covered Dean's body with another blanket, "You're safe now, okay? Just tell me what happened," 

"I can't," he whispered, "I can't, Sammy.."

Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in a frustration, "What can I do?"

"I'll be okay, I just need sleep, okay?"

"You don't have to look out for me, Dean. I can handle it,"

Dean nodded, shifting gingerly under the blankets.

 

Sam sat in silence for a long time, listening to Dean's breathing grow heavy as he fell asleep, before standing from Dean's bed and crawling into his own.  
He knew that that was all the information he was going to get out of him. The rest, he was going to have to piece together. He slid his hand under his pillow and wrapped his fingers around his knife. One thing he was sure of.. He wasn't going to let anything like that happen to his brother again.


	2. Chapter 2

Thunder cracked through the clouds. Rain hit hard on the roof of the motel. Dean woke with a jerk, regretting having moved so fast the minute he felt pain stream through his body. So, it wasn't a dream.. He shifted slowly, groaning into his pillow. He heard movement in the room and tried to gather himself.

Sam set water and pain killers down on the table next to him, eyeing the bruises on his body, before Dean noticed and self consciously covered himself with the sheets, "These ought to help you out for now," he watched Dean reach for the pills and swallow them dry. He stood silent for a moment longer before clearing his throat, "Do you think we could talk about last night?"

Dean scrunched his eyes in pain as his rolled back onto his back, "I'm not awake for this crap, Sam," he pressed his hands into his face and dragged them down slowly, "go get me a coffee or somethin'," he mumbled.

"Okay, is there anything else you need?" Sam pulled his jacked on, "Do you want anything to eat?"

"Coffee." Dean glanced at his watch. It was past noon. He groaned again, stretching out his aching limbs.

"I won't be long," Sam shut the door behind himself and hopped into the impala.  
He didn't expect Dean to be feeling much better the day after, but this was too much. Deep down, he knew what had happened.. It wasn't that hard to figure out. All the evidence pointed to it.. But to think it, or say it aloud.. It was crushing.  
This was Dean. His fearless big brother, who had a smart mouth even in the worst of situations. He was so strong, nothing could break him down. Not this bad, not really.  
He bit his lip, and his brow furrowed. He couldn't have been.. raped.. He couldn't have been. He would have killed the thing before it touched him. Or at least put up a fight. And he'd be blood thirsty furious after, not..

He shook the image of Dean's face out of his head as he stepped out of the car and into the shelter of an over hanging roof. He flipped open his cell and made a call. "Bobby? It's Sam.." he brushed his hand through his wet hair and swallowed down the lump in his throat, "Yeah, listen.. How far away are you? I need your help."

Bobby agreed to meet Sam at the front of the motel.

"What's all this about, Sam?" Bobby straightened himself up as he got out of his car.

"It's Dean..," Sam held Dean's coffee in his hands, "Someone.. Something.., attacked him last night," he glanced up at Bobby's reaction,

"And..?"

"and.. He's not talking about it. I think it did something to him."

Bobby narrowed his eyes, "You think he's possessed?"

"No, not like that.. I.." Sam rocked back on his foot awkwardly.

"Spit it out, boy. I don't have a clue what you're trying to get at,"

Sam blinked fast and swallowed, "I think it raped him."

Bobby's hands balled into fists and he took off walking down the length of motel room doors, "Which room?"

"Bobby, wait!" Sam caught up to him and grabbed his arm,

"Sam, which room is it?" Bobby shook Sam's hand off and started walking again.

Sam stepped in front of him and put his arm out, "Stop, Bobby. It's not there now. It's just us. You can't go into the room guns blazing, Dean will have a freaking melt down."

Bobby's nostrils flared as he breathed hard out his nose, "So we gotta track this thing down? Does Dean know what it was?"

Sam lowered his arm, "He won't talk about it."

Bobby nodded slowly, "Let's go see what we can get out of him. I'll fucking kill it myself."

 

As soon as Sam left the motel, Dean willed himself out of bed and hobbled to the bathroom. He gasped as he caught his reflection in the mirror. He traced his fingers over the dark purple and yellow bruises on his hips, "what the hell, Cas..," he breathed. He turned toward the shower and discovered more bruises on his thigh and back.

_You're only a human. You're weak. Powerless._

He stared at his reflection until the tears blurred out his vision. He wiped at his face and turned on the shower.

~

 

Sam opened the motel room door and peered in. The shower was running. He turned back to Bobby, "Alright, come on."

Bobby stepped in past Sam and started going over the floor. He held up Dean's torn jeans, "The hell..?"

Sam nodded and sat down in a chair at the table.

Bobby tucked them under his arm and continued to go over the bed, "There's blood in the sheets, Sam.. I hate it, but I think you're right."

Sam clenched his teeth and rested his forehead in the palm of his hand. Dean..

~

 

The room was filled with steam when Dean got out. He moved slow, grabbing at a towel off the rack to dry himself, taking care of the painful areas. He pulled on his jeans and left the button undone giving the denim room to move freely on his raw hips. He had his shirt just over his head when he stepped out into the main area.  
Sam and Bobby were sitting at the table, staring at him. Bobby hissed when he saw Dean's torso. Dean grunted and pulled his shirt down hurriedly.

"Didn't hear you come in. Didn't expect you, Bobby," he threw his towel behind him after running it through his hair.. _Damn it, Sam_.. , "Where's the coffee, Sammy?" Dean's voice shook more than he wanted it to.

"What the hell happened to you, Dean?" Bobby shifted in his chair, "Looks like you went one on one with a jack hammer.. And lost."

Dean sat on the bed and started putting on his boots, "Just a scratch, nothin' to write home about."

"What did it?" Bobby straightened up in anticipation.

"A vampire caught wind of us," one boot on.. "Thought it'd try to get us, before we got it. But I didn't lose the fight, considering the poor bastard is dead," he glanced at Sam and started to lace the other boot.

"Why didn't you tell me last night, Dean?" Sam glared across the room at him, looking straight through the lie.

Dean scoffed, "C'mon.. You saw me. I was tired."

"Tired," Bobby repeated, holding up Dean's torn jeans, "That's the understatement of the year.."

Dean shook his head and drew his attention back to his boots.

"Now, considering that this event took place here in this room, I see nothing that'd indicate a vampire being here at all. Not to mention these," he shook the jeans, "don't tell me you cleaned up after, because you wouldn't have left them out," he stood and took a step at Dean, who had also gotten to his feet, "Stop lying to us and tell the truth, so we can help you, son.."

Dean stepped past Bobby, toward the door, "There's nothing to tell. It's past, and still I'm alive, aren't I?" he clicked open the door.

Bobby held his hand on the door. "Running away from this isn't going to help, Dean."

Dean huffed and pulled the door open, grunting at the use of his arm that Cas had squeezed, "Bobby, I'm not running. I'm going to go get a fucking coffee."

"I got you a coffee, Dean," Sam held up the cardboard cup, "You can stay,"

"You got the fucking order wrong."

Bobby stood down and glared at Dean as he stormed out the door.  
He slammed the door behind him and climbed into his Impala. He had to get out of there. Out of that room. This stupid town. He sped off down the highway, fishtailing out of the parking lot.

Sam sighed, letting go of the curtain, "He isn't getting coffee."

Bobby lowered his head, nodding, "We gotta keep an eye on him. Grab your stuff."

~

 

Dean sniffed back fluid, "fucking bastards," he shook his head.  
He dropped it down a gear and sped up.  
It's none of their fucking business.  
It wasn't their.. Relationship.  
He took a deep breath, but it felt constricted. He let it out and took in another gasp of air.  
It wasn't working.  
His eyes widened.  
It felt like his chest was closing in on its self.  
He tilted his head back and took another.  
His head felt light.  
_He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe._  
He slammed on his brakes, skidding off to the side of the road.  
His door flew open and he stumbled out into the rain, holding his chest trying to catch his breath.  
" _what-the-fuck_ ," he crouched next to the impala, " _fuck_ ,"  
" _fuck_ ,"  
He closed his eyes, listening to the rain fall.

~

 

Bobby pulled into a gas station and filled up. He came back with sodas for Sam and himself. Sam hung up his cell and took the drink.

"Still not picking up, huh?"

Sam cracked the lid and took a sip, "Nope."

Bobby started his car, "We gotta find him.."

"Hey," Sam rested his hand on Bobby's shoulder, "we'll find him. Thanks for helping us out."

"Are you kidding?" Bobby sighed and adjusted his hat, "You boys are my family. I'd be here come hell or high water, you know that."

"Yeah, I know." Sam smiled to himself. He got along with Bobby better than he did his own father.

"I'll tell you what, it ain't no vampire."

Sam let out a frustrated sigh, "I know.. I've been thinking.. And it's just a thought.."

Bobby looked from the road back to Sam, "You think you know what did it?"

"It could have been Castiel.."

Bobby scrunched his face up in confusion, "The angel? Why?"

"It's just how Dean reacted to his name last night.. It's probably not, but he just seemed.. Scared that I was going to pray to him."

"Alright.." Bobby narrowed his eyes, "How do we call him?"

Sam closed his eyes. They drove in silence for a while before Sam spoke again, "That usually works.. We could summon him-"

"You call seeking answers.." Castiel interrupted from the back seat, causing Bobby swerve away from the intrusion. Cas squinted, confused at the reaction.

Sam cleared his throat, "Yeah, Cas.. We were just wondering if you knew anything about what happened last night with Dean.." He waited a while, but got no response, "Cas?"

Castiel sighed, leaning against the back door, "I did it, if that's what you're asking.."

Bobby's face started to turn red. He slowed his car to a stop on the side of the highway, his hands gripped the steering wheel hard.  
Sam's face fell in disappointment, "Why? What happened? You can't just up and leave like that!"

"I was intoxicated and upset at first. I let my emotions get out of control. I don't know what happened- it escalated so fast..," he shook his head. "I'll replace your lock. I know it smashed when I kicked it, I just didn't know how bad the damage was."

Sam turned and stared hard at Castiel's guilt-ridden face, "The _lock?_ -Cas, this has nothing to do with the door. We're talking about _Dean_. If it was worse, I would have taken him to hospital. Cas- He should have gone to hospital!"

Cas' eyes widened, "What?"

"You hurt Dean," Bobby turned in his seat, "You beat him up badly,"

"N-No," Cas stared into Sam's eyes, "No, you must be mistaken, I didn't hurt Dean,"

"That's one hell of an accident, you piece of shit." Bobby spat through his teeth.

"I would never hurt Dean on purpose, Sam. Believe me." He turned toward Bobby, "I'm sorry,"

"Sorry?" Bobby opened his door and stepped out, "Didja hear that, Sam? He's _sorry_." he slammed his door and started walking around his car.

Sam stepped out of his seat and stood in front of Castiel's door, "Yeah, I heard him, Bobby.. Listen.. We can handle this differently now that we know it's Castiel."

"My ass," he pushed at Sam and pulled the door open, revealing an empty back seat, "God damn it," he slammed the door and got back into the car out of the rain. "Can we summon him and trap him?"

"Y-eah.. I don't think we have to do that anymore. We should probably just find Dean."

"What?" Bobby yelled, "You saw what he did to your brother, he just lied to our faces and you want to let that slide?"

"I don't think Cas was lying to us, Bobby."

"Oh yeah, you'd know him better than me, please, explain."

"It's complicated, Bobby.."

"How the hell is that complicated?"

"Well, Castiel is sort of.. And Dean and Cas..," he turned his head sideways, hinting wordlessly.

Bobby opened his mouth and blinked, "..Alright. But I still want that angel's head on a fucking stick."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter is Castiel's version of what happened. Enjoy!

Dean passed through a few towns before finally stopping at a motel. He stretched his arms as he got out of the Impala, groaning at the ache through his body. He made his way to the office to check in. The girl at he counter smiled and flirted at him. She was exactly the kind of girl he'd go after.. He flashed her a small smile, took the keys and walked back to the Impala not giving the girl a second thought.  
He pulled a bottle of whiskey out of the back seat. He took at hit from it, grimacing at the burn that ran down his throat. He screwed the lid back on and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before making his way to his room.

He closed himself into the dark and flopped on the bed, sighing in exhaustion.  
He let his mind race over everything that had happened, stopping briefly on images of Castiel's face and the worried faces of Sam and Bobby.  
He didn't know when he started dreaming- it was so vivid. He was driving the Impala down a highway, laughing at Sam's aggravation over him whistling out of tune to a song that he knew he hated. Even though he was in the moment, the pain of nostalgia hit him hard..  
Out of nowhere, the highway in front of them started to sink.  
There was a thudding noise, Sam disappeared and he couldn't stop driving.  
He had both feet pressed hard on the brakes, but he kept driving at the same speed towards the darkness.  
He couldn't steer away.  
The thudding grew louder.  
He braced himself as the road underneath the Impala disappeared.  
He free-fell into the abyss.

He woke up sweating. The feeling of dread still running through his body. There was a loud banging on the door. Dean jumped. His arms instinctively covered his head. He lay in bed panting loudly, before coming to his senses.  
He opened the door, unsurprised to find Sam and Bobby standing behind it. He sighed, leaving the door open, making his way back to his bed with Sam and Bobby in pursuit.

"Would it have killed you to pick up your phone, Dean?" Bobby snapped.

"I didn't want to be found, but hey. Here you are." Dean didn't bother hiding his disappointment, resting his back against the headboard. He took a swig out of his bottle.

"We thought you could use the company right now.." Sam spoke up softly, taking a seat on the couch.

"I don't want company. I don't need your help, and I don't want your pity," Dean growled.

"So, that Castiel has a lot to answer for, huh." Bobby dismissed his cue to leave, taking up a seat next to Sam, eyeing Dean's discomfort with a condescending gaze.

"Don't sugar coat it, Bobby." Sam shook his head.

Dean glowered at them, "You called Cas.."

"Yeah, and we got the truth from him, which is what we deserved from you in the first place, instead of you takin' off. You had us worried sick." Bobby said gruffly.

"Well, congratulations. I'm happy for you both. Don't forget to pat yourselves on the fucking back when you order your detective of the year badges." Dean snarled.

Bobby backed down and Sam shifted uncomfortably. 

Dean stood up and continued, "If I wanted help, I would have asked. If I wanted to talk about it, I would have. If I wasn't so.. _fucked_ \- ," His voice broke as he kicked his foot into the table causing Sam and Bobby to stand and move around to the side of the room, "-I would have covered it up so even you didn't know, Sam." 

Sam raised his eyebrows, hurt at his brother's words. 

Dean scoffed. He strode to the door and held it open, staring back at them coldly, "It's none of your fucking business."

"Dean-" Sam started,

"-Get out.." Dean turned his head to the floor, hiding his face. His voice was thick.

Sam stepped toward Dean and pulled him into a tight embrace. Dean's face crumpled. He pushed at Sam's arm weakly, "get off," he wept.  
Sam dropped his hands. Dean dug his fingers into Sam's shirt, clinging to him, silently defeated. Sam looked toward Bobby with an expectant look on his face. Bobby nodded and walked out the door without word. He pulled open his car door and sat in his seat. He didn't really handle situations like that too well. Sam had it under control. He pulled out his flask and took a belt.

Sam rubbed at Dean's back, looking down at his broken brother. His face was pressed into his shirt, "Dean, I'm so sorry.."

Dean sniffed and coughed, "Me too," he didn't lift his head, "I shouldn't have left like that. I just couldn't be there anymore." his breath hitched.

Sam hushed him, "If it's any consolation, Cas seemed real sorry. He, uh.. It was like it was news to him.."

Dean laughed with no humor, "I wouldn't be surprised if he blacked out and forgot," he let go of Sam's shirt and reached for his bottle, "It wasn't a fucking accident." he polished the rest of the bottle off.

"How is your body?" Sam eyed the bottle that Dean let slip out of his hand.

"It hurts. A lot."

Sam's brow furrowed in concern, "Do you need to get checked out?"

Dean shrugged, "It'll heal eventually."

"Dean.." Sam's tone was a blunt warning to not down play how he was feeling right now.

"It hurts, but I'm not going to any doctor about it." he held his hand across his waist, "Honestly, Sam, he tore me up pretty good. But I'm not bleeding anymore.. I just don't want to go see a doctor over something like this. It's embarrassing." he looked at the bottle on the floor, "I'm really going to need more of that, now."

"I'll go get Bobby to get more, hang on," Sam left the room and started toward Bobby's car.

"Bobby, do you have a spare bottle of whiskey Dean could have?"

Bobby looked at Sam sideways, "What do I look like to you, a liquor store? Did he finish the bottle that fast?"

"Yeah," Sam scoffed, climbing into the passenger seat, "I think he needs all the alcohol his body can take right now."

"Right.." Bobby started his car, pulling out of the lot, "We'll pick up a few bottles, then."

"I was actually thinking of sticking around here.."

"Nah Dean will be fine for a minute, he's not a kid," Bobby fished Dean's keys out of his pocket, "Plus, he ain't going anywhere."

Sam laughed and took the keys to the Impala, "Good one. I was worried about that."

Bobby's expression grew serious. He pursed his lips, "I'm worried about him, Sam," he pulled up at the liquor store and cut the engine, "I don't care who he's into, but I do care about his safety. And being with an angel doesn't seem safe to me. They're not human, they don't think like us."

"They hit a rough patch," Sam ignored Bobby's raised eyebrows, "Castiel keeps getting jobs from Heaven and taking off.. And Dean thinks that's invitation to do whatever he wants.."

Bobby opened the door and stepped out, "That's not an excuse for those kinds of retaliations, Sam..," he waited for Sam to walk closer, "That's what I was talking about, he's not human, so his reactions are different from us."

"He said he was drunk, though..," Sam opened the store door for Bobby, lowering his voice, "and sometimes drunken mistakes do happen.."

They moved silently through the store, picking up a couple of bottles of whiskey each, carrying them to the counter. Sam pulled out his cash and handed it to the old store attendant, nodding in politeness, before holding the door again for Bobby.

"Drunk or not, there's no excuse to hurt someone that badly. And I'm not talking about Dean's body, Sam, his coconut is damaged for good now."

~

 

After searching everywhere for his keys, Dean closed the door behind himself and turned back to the room. Castiel was standing by his side, his intense blue eyes staring up at him. Dean's mouth dropped. He gasped, taking a couple of steps backwards. He lost his footing on the bottle that he dropped earlier, crashing inbetween the bedside table and the wall. " _Fuck,_ " Dean held his breath. Pain flowed through his body. Everything burned. It was intense.

Cas stepped closer, anguish spread across his face. He held his hand out.

"Stay the hell away from me!" Dean snarled, backing further into the corner,

Castiel held both his hands up, "I'm not going to hurt you, I swear," he stepped closer, holding his hand out, "Touch me, Dean. I'll heal you."

Dean recoiled from Cas' outstretched hand, "I don't want anything from you."

"Please, let me explain myself.." Cas stared down at him desperately, "Please.."

Dean held his hand up halting Cas from getting too close, "Fine, just get the fuck away from me."

Cas flew to the other side of the room, leaving Dean looking around cautiously until he spotted him again. He glared, pulling himself onto his feet in a fluster, "You should just leave."

"I love you, Dean.." he started,

"No, you don't!" Dean yelled.

"I do, Dean.. I love you so much-"

"What you pulled back there wasn't an act of 'love', you backwards prick."

Cas flinched, "I didn't mean to hurt you the way I did. I was angry and intoxicated..- I didn't know what I was doing, and that's the truth-"

"That's not an excuse!" Dean interrupted furiously, "I didn't _want_ you!"

Cas held his hands to his temples, "I thought you did. I thought it was just rough sex, I didn't-" his eyes flashed around the room, trying to think,

"What, you didn't mean to rape me? News flash for you, you're a fucking angel. You're a lot stronger than me, and you didn't keep check on the strength side of things." he lifted his shirt to reveal Castiel's handy work.

Cas' eyes widened. He had no idea the damage he had caused. He started walking toward him, "Oh.. Dean.. I'm so sorry," he held his hand out shakily.

"Don't come near me," Dean warned.

Castiel's hand dropped slightly, before he stepped determinedly toward him. Dean flinched as Cas' hand brushed against his cheek. The touch felt like static running through his body. He closed his eyes, feeling his body heal from injury.

"Okay..," he slowly opened his eyes, staring Castiel down, "Now get the fuck out.. We're done." his voice was hard.

"Dean-"

" _We're done_."

"I'll never touch alcohol again," Cas choked, "I'll.. I'll never touch you again." he blinked tears down his face, stepping back from his hunter.

Dean's lip trembled, "get the fuck out of here," he whispered.

"If you ever need.. anything." Cas wiped at his face, "just call." He left Dean standing alone in the middle of the room.

~

 

"I had no idea angels could get drunk.." Bobby shook his head, collecting the bottles off of the floor of his car. They walked toward the motel, when they heard smashing glass. They held the bottles tighter and rushed into the room. Dean had smashed the bottle he had against the wall, covering himself and his bed in glass.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Sam placed his bottles on the coffee table and gripped onto his arm, pulling him up.

"Cas was here." Dean stared at the broken glass.

Sam nodded, willing him to continue, "and..?"

"And I told him to leave!" Dean covered his face with his hands.

Sam exchanged a look with Bobby, before walking Dean to the couch away from the glass, "You're healed?"

Dean pulled at his hair, "I didn't want to tell him to go.. I know how it sounds, Sam.. But I didn't want to."

Bobby came back from the kitchen area with an electric mini vac, "Boy, if you let him back into your life, he's gonna think that what he did was normal, and fine to do again. Don't let it happen." he handed the vacuum to Sam, who started sucking up the small chunks of glass.

Dean lowered his head, staring at his calloused hands, "It wasn't like that.."

"I'm not an expert, but you don't get marks like that, without a lot of force. Don't let it happen again, Dean."Bobby cautioned.

"But-" Dean started,

"Don't you 'but' me, boy!" Bobby retorted, "Get it through your thick skull! He was out to do you harm, and if you haven't realised he's succeeded by now, you're dumber than you look."

"What happened was on me! It didn't have to be like that. I'm the one who fucked this up."

Bobby shook his head in defeat, "I'm going to bed. If I'm not making myself clear here, I don't know how what else to do, Dean." Bobby stepped out into the night. He unlocked his room, which was conveniently next door to the boys, and crawled into bed.

Dean huffed, sitting down on the couch, cracking open a bottle.

"So.." Sam gestured to the other bed, "Is it cool if I stay in here?"

Dean nodded, not looking up.

"Force of habit, room with two beds?"

"I knew you'd catch up to me, little brother. No point in wasting our money."

Sam took a bottle and poured himself a shot, "What are you going to do, Dean?"

Dean clinked his bottle against Sam's glass, smiling wryly, "I'm going to drink."

Sam shot his down and set the glass back on the coffee table, "Right.."

~

 

Castiel flew to a look out point, that overlooked one of his favorite oceans. He willed his legs along the dirt track, lifting his body lightly over the barricade poles toward the cliff, sitting cross legged on the edge, letting his elbows rest in his lap.  
The waves crashed hard underneath him. It was just before sunrise- where the world seemed to hold only one color; a deep blue.  
The world looked ominous.  
He closed his eyes.  
Looking back to that night, his stomach knotted.

 

-

 

He was sitting alone in the middle of a park with his palms cradling his forehead. He was in-between Heaven and Earth, working to kill demons, and protect his family. It was a rare opportunity that he got time to himself. He stared at the ants filing in line at his feet, all working to get a chunk of old sandwich down into their tiny home. It all seemed blissfully straight forward. Like his job. But at the end of the day, all he wanted.. Was his human boyfriend.

He landed out the front of the motel next to Dean's Impala, intending on giving him a surprise visit. It'd been so long since he had Dean in his arms.  
He stopped at the window, staring in disbelief at the sight of Dean fucking a woman.  
_Who the hell was this_?  
He couldn't tear his eyes off of the scene.  
He watched as they both reached climax at the same time.  
He watched Dean's hips roll to a stop as he kissed down her neck, holding her close.  
He'd seen too much..  
Cas stepped away from the window, pulling at his hair in disbelief. It wasn't fair..  
He couldn't take the hurt. 

He flew to the nearest liquor store and cracked open a bottle of scotch.  
This seems to be the procedure humans follow to forget things.. In this case, Castiel deemed it appropriate. He sniffed the contents warily, before opening his throat and letting it run down freely.  
He drank the store out of almost everything he could get his hands on, enjoying the buzz that filled him. But it wasn't fair.. Dean was supposed to be his. He couldn't do this to Cas. After all he had given. After all he'd done, Dean can't do this.. Not to him..  
Castiel crumpled into a corner, surrounded by the evidence of his liquid high. 

_He needs to understand how much I love him.. How much I need him. How important and perfect he is to me.. Even after.._

The image of Dean and that woman flashed back into his head. 

_No.. He's mine. He needs to know. He needs to understand how lucky he is to have me._

After a few more bottles of hard liquor, he plucked up the courage to confront him on his actions. He flew back to the motel door and barged it open without hesitation. 

 

-

 

He grabbed a hold of Dean's wrist. Why wasn't he listening to him? Cas squeezed hard. Just fucking listen..

The angel pushed Dean to the floor. _"I want you more than anyone, Dean."_ He wanted Dean, bad. Hearing Dean gasping with lust had him hard already.  
He held his hand on the back of Dean's neck in a dominating manner. 

" _Cas_ ," Dean moaned his name as he pressed against him, attempting to get up, " _get off of me_."

Castiel pressed himself against his hunter, leaning closely into Dean's ear, " _You think you can do whatever and whoever you want, but you can't._ " Cas nudged the inside of Dean's thigh, " _You're only a human. You're weak. Powerless. You're mine, Dean. I want you._ " Cas wanted Dean so badly. It'd been so long since he felt the warmth of it. The whore Dean had earlier that evening had nothing on Cas. He was going to remind Dean why they were together. Why Dean should wait.

" _Alright,_ " Dean squirmed under Cas, who held him firmly in position, " _Point made, Cas. Let me up._ "

" _I've got needs_ ," He grabbed the back of Dean's jeans with his free hand, and yanked them down to his knees effortlessly.  
Dean let out a gasp.  
He was ready.  
He wanted him.  
Precum dripped from the end of Cas' cock. " _I've got cravings and desires that need to be satisfied, too. It's not just humans, you know. Just because, just because I'm an angel doesn't make me second class._ " 

" _I don't think you're second class,_ " Dean groaned as he slid his ass against Cas' cock, " _I think you're a dick, now get_ off,"

Not this time. This time, Cas was in control. This time Cas was going to have his way without Dean attempting to take over. Cas could do it. He pulled and slapped at Dean's perfect ass, " _It's not your turn to be selfish._ "

Castiel entered him all the way.  
Dean lurched forward and collapsed, crying out in pleasure.  
Cas kissed and bit at his shoulder blade, " _I'm the only one you should be with,_ " he breathed, " _I'm the one that loves you the most,_ " And he did. With all his immortal heart. Dean was the one. Dean was so beautiful.

He let go of Dean's neck, held his hips tightly, and pulled him back onto his cock, remembering that he was in charge of his sexy disobeying hunter.  
Dean started rocking forward, allowing Cas to pull him back onto his cock with long, hard thrusts. It felt so good.. _keep going.. keep going..._

" _Cas_ -" Dean gasped underneath him, " _Stop_ -"

" _You're not getting your way this time_." Cas pumped harder, " _You need to be taught a lesson_."

" _I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.. Cas.. Please.._ " Dean panted underneath him. What an obeying hunter he was. What a tight.. Sexy hunter he was..

Castiel grunted as his thrusts grew harder, he dug his fingers into Dean's hips and sped up, " _Oh.. Fuck, Dean.._ " he moaned, as he pumped his orgasm deep inside Dean's ass. He leant forward and kissed the middle of his spine, before releasing his grip, and letting the hunter fall to the floor.

He stood up, walked around Dean's body and crouched next to his face. " _Thank you for understanding our relationship_ ," he wobbled and stepped backwards, " _We'll talk about this later, sober_."

Cas smiled as he flew up into the air. He landed on a park bench, grinning at his accomplishment. Grinning at his clever throw of Dean's own words back at him. He rolled his shoulders and closed his eyes, enjoying the buzz.

-

If he had have just waited until he was sober, instead of being so impulsive.. If he had have just took Dean's word and left.. If he didn't get so angry and possessive.. He wiped his eyes with his coat sleeve, soaking up his tears. The sun crawled over the horizon. It was beautiful. It made the world look like a safe and happy place..  
Dean was Castiel's sun. His color in the world. He stood and turned back to the barricade, away from the light.  
He destroyed everything.  
How could he have been so oblivious..


	4. Chapter 4

Sam and Dean talked into the early hours of the morning. After a few one worded and grunted replies, Dean fell asleep. Sam stood from his bed, still for a moment trying to gain balance from the alcohol influence. He pulled the half consumed bottle from Dean's relaxed hand, screwed the lid on and set it down on the table. He stumbled over to Dean's bed, pulled the blanket off and shook it, making sure no stray bits of glass remained before he covered his sleeping brother up. He sighed and turned around, barely landing back on his bed. He was exhausted.

~

 

They say time heals all wounds. It had been over a year since Dean had heard from Castiel. He thought about him from time to time, but it was only a passing thought. He was still on the road with his brother, uncovering and killing new and old monsters. Saving people's lives, making the world a better place. This was his life. He couldn't think of anywhere else he'd rather be, than driving his Impala down the highway with Sam by his side.

They were stopped at a gas station, getting a few supplies for the trip back south. Dean was finding a tape to play, when Sam stepped back into the Impala, "What'd you get me?" Dean asked, not looking up.

"I got this," Sam handed Dean a pie, "But I don't know if it's good for human consumption.."

Dean gave up on the tapes and turned on the radio. He took the pie and smelled it, wrinkling up his nose, before taking a bite. "They wouldn't sell it if it was too bad," he replied with a mouthful, "plus," he continued chewing before he swallowed, noticing he was spitting it all over the dash, "I'm starving."

Sam snorted. He unfolded a road map, studying it for a moment, "We got a bit of road to cover before our next town, let's get going." Dean scoffed the rest of his pie down and turned the key in the ignition.

Half way through the drive, he pulled over at a rest stop. He tapped Sam's arm, "Sammy, wake up. Your turn."

Sam squeezed his eyes closed and yawned, "Whass the time?"

Dean pulled his sleeve back to look at his watch, "3:24am. We should get to town around sunrise."

Sam nodded and got out slowly, swinging his arms to get rid of the cramps. The Impala wasn't his favorite place to sleep.

They swapped seats, Dean curled up with his jacket over his chest and closed his eyes. It felt like he'd been awake for weeks. He let the purr of the engine and the low murmur of the radio take him away into a dreamless sleep.

He woke a few hours later to the unfamiliar corners turning off of the highway. He turned in his seat and stretched, "We there already?"

Sam pulled into a motel on the edge of the town, "Yep. Come on, we gotta check in."

Dean huffed and followed his brother sleepily. They grabbed the keys and made their way back to the Impala to unpack and set up in the motel. With the reports they've been seeing in the town, it looked like it was going to be a fairly long stay. People were dying in unusual situations, and the head count was almost in the double figures. They crawled into their beds, agreeing to start their research the day after.

A few days had passed. They had been working full on with research and inquiries, and following up on a few more untimely deaths.  
It was starting to look bad.  
Worse than they thought.  
They needed help.

"You don't have to be here when I call him. You can go out," Sam watched Dean's expression warily, "We could call someone else if-,"

"I told you I'm fine, damn it," Dean kicked the chair almost out from under Sam, "are you gonna call him, or not?"

Sam re-positioned himself and glared up at Dean, who was still pacing around the room, "If you'd chill out and sit down, sure."

Dean stopped in his tracks, not even realising he was pacing. He took a seat by Sam and waited. Sam closed his eyes, "Castiel, we've got a bit of a problem, we think it might be in your department.."

They waited for a moment, then Dean spoke in a low voice, "Cas, we could use your help down here."

Just as he finished his sentence, Castiel appeared by the window. Dean's eyes followed along the wall, resting on the angel's face. His mouth opened slightly, taken aback. Cas looked exactly the same as he remembered. His blue eyes flashed around the room, assessing his surroundings before he spoke, "This is a problem for us, we've been following the situation from Heaven.."

Dean shook his head, trying to focus, "And you're doing nothing? People are dying, you can't just-"

"We're doing the best we can with what we're working with." Cas interrupted, rolling his eyes impatiently, focusing on Dean, "It really is none of your concern, I suggest you move on."

Dean's stomach clenched at the gaze.

"Your best isn't saving anyone at the moment, Cas. Maybe we can help?" Sam spoke up, feeling the tension rise.

"No." Cas responded adamantly, "I'm not risking you or your brother's safety." He sighed and looked out the window, "Things have been.. Difficult up there, but we're getting it done. We're dealing with one problem at a time. Seeing as you two caught up to this one, we'll handle this before moving on. I hope this satisfies you." He shifted his body, getting ready to leave.

"Wait, that's it?" Dean blurted,

Castiel took a breath, "I wasn't under the impression that this was a social visit."

Dean nodded, biting his lip, "Okay."

Castiel nodded lightly and took off. He had no idea what to say to Dean. Not after everything that had happened. Still.. He closed his eyes and tuned into the strong thoughts he was hearing back at the motel.

"Fucking damnit," Dean stood from his chair, knocking it to the ground, "They've warped his brain back to good little soldier," he scoffed.

"What did you expect after so long? I doubt he has any other human connections besides us.," Sam ran his fingers through the pattern in the vase on the table, "You remember what he was like when he was up there for months at a time, right? He'd always come back cold. It's just the way they are."

"Cas isn't like that. He's different from the rest of them."

"Why do you even care, Dean?" Sam watched him carefully,

Dean caught himself once more, "I- I don't! I'm just pissed that he's changed again. And we gotta leave this town because they're _taking care of it_..," he paced the motel again, before sliding on his coat, "I need to get out for a bit."

"Dean-" the door closed, cutting Sam off.

Dean stormed down the path. His anger at the whole situation was worse than he'd anticipated. Mainly because after everything that had happened, Castiel didn't even try to talk to him. He felt worthless. He hated the feeling. He hated _feeling_.

He took a sharp turn down the side of a building, and crashed into Castiel's chest. He exhaled and stepped backwards in surprise, before scrunching his face in a rage and tackling the angel to the ground. He straddled Cas' hips and lay punch after punch into his face. Cas put his arms up in an effort to slow him down, because Dean was only really causing damage to his knuckles- despite Cas' nose bleeding profusely.

"Dean," he took a hold of Dean's wrist, "stop,"

Dean grunted, pulling his wrist out of Cas' grip and landing another blow.

"Dean,"

Castiel gripped onto the collar of Dean's coat and flung him to the ground, crawling on top of him, restraining him, "Stop it, Dean."

Dean pushed at Castiel's hands, "You didn't! _You_ didn't-" he choked, unable to keep his emotions under control.

Anguish spread across Cas' face, "I know. And I am so sorry. But _this_ isn't going to change what I've done to you."

"You don't know that. You don't fucking know me."

Cas shook his head, "That's not true. I care about you.. I love-"

Dean clenched his teeth, still struggling under Castiel's grip, "Don't you fucking _dare_ say that to me."

"Why?" Cas' brow furrowed.

"Because..," he shifted underneath him, "As fucked up as that makes me, after everything, I can't stop loving you, and I can't handle you saying that to me. You just don't mean it the same way." he stared hard into Cas' eyes.

Cas released his wrists and stood back, letting Dean get to his feet, "You haven't the slightest idea of the love I have for you." he turned away and wiped at his nose, soaking the blood onto his coat sleeve.

"Wait." Dean ordered.

Cas glanced over his shoulder, not fully turning back, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want. I've done everything you've asked. Being away from me was helping you as far as I could tell.."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Was it helping you?"

Castiel's face crumpled. He turned his head back and put his hand over his forehead in an attempt to hide it. He shook his head, "Of course not," he whispered.

Dean walked around, facing the angel. He placed his hand on his shoulder. "I'm trying to forgive you, Cas.."

Cas nodded, unable to remove his hand from his face.

A car horn of all things interrupted the moment. They pulled apart and Dean glared down the ally at an old man in a piece of shit truck, who was shaking his head at them. Dean picked up a rock and flung it hard at the truck. It clunked on the hood, rattling up to the windshield leaving a crack. The truck honked again, before screeching down the road away.

Dean flashed Cas a smug look, "Let's get back. These little towns aren't partial to angels, I'm guessing." he started walking toward Cas, but the angel didn't move. "What, you wanna stay here in piss-ally?"

Cas shifted on his feet, "I don't know."

Dean closed his eyes and smiled in frustration, "Okay, so you wanna go some place else?" 

Castiel tilted his head. 

"..Whatever." Dean scoffed as his patience reached its limit, "Go do what you gotta do. I'm grabbing Sam and we're outta here."

"Dean.." Cas turned to face Dean, who had almost disappeared around the corner, "I don't want to make it worse for us. That's the truth."

"..Make it worse? What makes you think.." Dean shook his head again at a loss for words, "Whatever, Cas.." Dean turned back onto the main street toward the motel.

Despite his conscience telling him otherwise, Castiel pursued him. He was scared. He caught up to Dean and they walked slowly back together.

Dean held the door open for Cas as they entered the room. Sam looked up from his laptop, to Cas, then to Dean, confused- "Uh, hey Cas."

Dean closed the door and walked around Cas, "We're gonna talk stuff over, do you mind taking off for a bit?" he threw the Impala keys at Sam.

"Uh.. Yeah.. Yeah, no that's okay." Sam shifted his eyes around the room awkwardly, "call me or something." he grabbed his jacket and his laptop and walked out the door.

Dean locked the door behind Sam and turned back to Castiel. He was standing in front of one of the beds staring back at him. Dean smiled at his pensive expression. He walked by the angel and sat on the edge of the bed, motioning for Cas to sit, "So, what have you been doing the past year?"

Cas sighed and sat beside him, "Cleaning up messes. It really is frustrating, the carelessness of my brothers."

"Yeah, I can relate to that," Dean scoffed thinking of all the times he'd saved Sam's ass, "But that's life, right? Our work is our lives."

Cas nodded, hugging himself, "I want to give up most of the time. I don't know why I guard against death so fiercely."

Dean cupped Cas' cheek, turning his head up to face him, "Well, I'm glad you do. Even after everything, I don't want to think about the latter. I can't."

Castiel cracked a small smile, "Thank you."

Dean shifted, folding his arms, "Huh, you don't gotta thank me. Anyone would tell you the same thing, even a stranger,"

"Well, it means the most coming from you." Cas clasped his hands together, "Thank you for inviting me back here."

"I guess I needed to talk to you as much as you needed to talk to me. Trying to not think of someone, or not talk to someone really digs at a guy." Dean glanced over at Cas, "And angels, apparently." Cas nodded in agreement, biting at his lip in thought. Dean caught on, "What's up, Cas?"

"I know I messed up.." Cas swallowed and glanced up at Dean, "but do you think we could have another chance at making this work?" he gestured in between them both.

They sat in silence for a while.

Finally, Dean tilted his head back, stretching, "I don't know how to answer you.. I mean, we didn't just part ways, Cas. We didn't just break up and stop talking. Something big happened. And it fucked me up more than I let on, okay?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It was selfish of me." Cas stood from the bed. 

Dean caught his arm. 

"But at the same time, I'd really like that," he smiled up at Cas softly, "But we have to take it slow, I mean dead snail slow, okay?"

Relief washed over the angel. He knelt by Dean's knee and pressed his forehead into the back of Dean's hand, "Thank you, Dean. I will try hard to make everything right. I know I don't even deserve this chance."

"You're right, you don't." a smile played on Dean's lips, "But I haven't ever felt how I feel with anyone else except you, so what the hell, right?" That was probably too much information to give the being that made his life miserable for over a year, but it was damn true..

Sam knocked at the door. Cas stood from the floor and unlocked it for him, "Hey, Sam,"

"Hey, Cas," Sam peered around the angel to check Dean's expression. He seemed fine- that was good. "do you want us to stick around and help you with this town?"

"No, it's fine. Just leave me with your research and we will collaborate it with ours. Thank you for your work, it will help a lot." Sam started taking down the pin board and collecting papers.

"No problem, Cas," Dean stood from the bed and started packing his duffel, "we'll see you later, okay?"

"Yes, call me and I'll be there."

Sam handed Cas the information they'd collected, "See you later, Cas. Take care of yourself."

"You two as well." he flew out to a nearby park bench to start reading. Those brothers sure knew how to find information. There was about 40 full pages mixed in with notes.

"So you and Cas sorted some stuff out?"

Dean grabbed his coat and hung it over his shoulder, "Yeah." He unlocked the Impala and started packing it, "It's weird, I haven't felt this good or nervous in a long time. But it's a good thing."

Sam's brow furrowed in confusion, "Nervous? Why nervous?"

Dean stopped packing and looked at Sam across the roof of the car, "We decided to try to give it another shot." 

Dean dismissed the disapproval on Sam's face, "It's gonna be weird, but we both want to try- and I feel good about it. It could work out."

"You don't think it's a lost cause?" Sam sat down in the passenger seat, "There's other people- there's even other angels if that's what you're going for."

Dean started the engine and rolled his eyes, "Well where the hell are they? It's been too long Sammy. And to be honest? Cas is the only one, the only one who makes me feel this way. I just need to take another shot at it."

"I just don't want to see you hurt again, that's all."

"I can handle it, Sam. It's what I want, okay? You don't gotta support me on this." Dean gripped at the wheel in frustration. The last thing he needed was a lecture on relationships from Sammy of all people.

"I do support you and I'll always support you," Sam sighed, "I just want to question you sometimes, so you can question yourself. If you think he's right for you without any question, go for it."

They travelled in silence for a while before Dean picked up the conversation again, "I just need a shot at trying to be happy, Sam.. I'm tired," Dean wiped at his face, "I'm tired of not having nobody,"

Sam realised Dean _was_ questioning himself. That whole gap of silence, Dean's mind was ticking. "Want me to drive?"Dean nodded and pulled over. Sam walked around the car and pulled Dean into a hug, "I'm sorry, I just care about you, that's all."

Dean slapped him softly on the back and walked around to the passenger seat. He turned on the radio and closed his eyes, focusing on the music.


	5. Chapter 5

One thing Dean hated was feeling this way; conflicted. The more he thought about his last talk with Cas, the more he began to question if it really was the right decision. He shot down the last of his whiskey and looked over the dash of his Impala at the ocean. The miserable day left the waves deadly, cold and tumbling in on each other, destroying everything in their path. He shivered and hugged himself. He didn't think getting the heater on the Impala fixed was priority- until now. Sam had pulled into a rest stop on the way to their next case. If it wasn't storming, the town might be nice to visit one day. But today Dean wanted to get out as soon as possible. 

Sam ran back to the car, the door creaking as it opened, breaking the steady noise of rain on the roof with heavy breathing and a loud thunder. He eyed the empty bottle at Dean's feet and furrowed his brow in concern, "Dude, I thought you were cutting back." 

Dean shrugged his shoulders and turned in his seat. He couldn't find the muscles in his vocal chords to produce a response.

Sam's worry became quickly overturned by anger, "well, I'm tired. If you weren't drunk I would have asked you to take over driving."

Still no verbal response.

Sam clenched his jaw, "Alright, we'll sleep in the car then. I'd rather be in a motel, but shit happens, right?" he scoffed and switched to the back seat so that he wasn't as cramped. 

"Sammy," Dean mumbled,

"What."

"I'm sorry."

"Seriously?" Sam sat up on his elbow, "You think apologising for drinking on the road is going to fix it? Dean, it's not just the drinking, it's your mood, it's how you act, it's everything."

Dean didn't turn to face him, "I'm sorry." he swallowed down his emotion, "I'm just tired, that's all,"

"Don't apologise to me, just get better."

Dean sighed, gathering himself enough to respond, "It's not easy, you know?" Dean's voice went quiet, barely audible above the rain, "It doesn't seem like a big deal but he hasn't spoken to me since the motel," he hugged himself again, "that's almost two weeks now."

"Have you called him?"

Dean's stomach knotted at the thought, "no,"

"Dean, he's probably giving you space. You told him to take it slow, so he's probably keeping his distance,"

"yeah." 

Dean wasn't lying about being tired. He'd fallen asleep faster than Sam had seen in a long time.

~

 

Morning. It didn't feel like it. The sky was overcast with dark grey clouds and the rain was still pouring. Dean stretched out in his seat and blinked at the glare. He sighed at the sky and opened the passenger door, feeling the cold sting of the rain against his skin. The gravel under his feet crunched as he made his way to the public toilets. 

The lights weren't working and the rain continued to rattle down on the tin roof of the stall. Dean turned on the faucet and held his hands under the running water. He wiped at his face, glancing into the dirty cracked mirror in front of him. He looked better than he felt.  
He walked out into the doorway and stared at the rain for a moment before turning on his heel, back into the stall. Either his eyes were playing tricks on him, or.. 

It was Cas. 

He was leaning against the far wall. He smirked at Dean and started walking toward him. Dean's face dropped as he, too started to close the gap in between them.  
Reaching his angel, he slid his hands underneath Castiel's ears and pulled him into a deep kiss, walking them back to the corner of the room. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist as their tongues tangled together effortlessly.  
Dean pulled away from the kiss, forgetting how to breathe. He panted against Castiel's ear. He needed this. He needed contact. They rocked against each other, hands slowly wandering up shirts.. Over hips.. Remembering every muscle and every abrasion.

Remembering..

Dean's eyes shot open and he backed off of Cas. "Dean?" Cas dropped his hands fast, "Did I hurt you?"

"No, no.." Dean scratched at the back of his head, "It's just too soon, you know?" he paced toward the door, "I haven't been with anyone since.. Um.. Since that night. I just need a minute." he leant against the opposite wall and slid into a crouch, "I'm sorry, Cas."  
Stupid..  
Fucking stupid move.  
He should have waited.  
Why did he kiss him? Dean held his face in his hand, ashamed of himself.

Rain filled the silence between them, masking Castiel's steps as he crossed the floor, "Don't apologise to me, Dean. It's my fault that you feel this way."

Dean dropped his hand from his face and reached for Castiel's hand, "Don't get me wrong.. I want you,"

Cas crouched on the ground beside him, linking their fingers, "You have me."

Dean sighed in relief. They could take their time. "I want to meet up with you again tonight. But not in a dirty wet toilet block, okay?" Dean glanced around the room in disapproval.

"Okay, just call me and I'll be there," Cas stood and pulled Dean to his feet, "I've missed you, Dean,"

"Miss you too, Cas."

Dean pulled his hand away from Cas and turned to walk out into the rain. He stopped at the door, taking a deep breath in. The cold air hurt his lungs.  
He stepped out into the rain.  
Leaving is hard.  
Even when he knew he was going to see Cas again tonight, breaking away from Castiel is a hard thing to do. He knew Cas was gone already. He knew if he turned back, Cas wasn't going to be staring after him. He knew it. But he had to turn around.

He turned to see an empty block behind him. Cas was gone as predicted. Dean smiled and shook the tears out of his eyes. 

Dean opened the passenger door, "Let's go."

Sam rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, "You don't want to drive?"

"Feeling a bit seedy today." Dean cleared his throat and clenched his teeth. The rain only masked his tears while he was outside. He needed to get a grip on the moment. He strapped himself in and started flicking through tapes, 

"Where are we headed?"

"We'll be motel hopping all the way to Alabama. We're bound to find something in between,"

"Freaking awesome. I love catch and kill." Dean couldn't be more sarcastic if he tried. "Pull up at the next rest stop, I need food."

Sam nodded, turning up the mix tape that started to play.

~

 

_"Sam, how's everything going? How's Dean?"_

"Hey, Bobby. Yeah, things are going good on this end. Dean is okay. He's still drinking, but everything else is okay I guess." Sam had decided to leave Castiel out of the conversation for now. There was no point in getting involved with Dean and Cas' relationship.  
Keeping a sharp eye was a different story.

_"Don't look at his drinking as a bad thing, Sam. That's the least of his problems. If he still functions, if he can still hunt- If he can still do the job, he's coping. That's all that matters."_

Sam processed Bobby's words like a fish finally getting water. He'd needed his own assurance and support. "Yeah, you're right, Bobby, thanks."

_"When you're finished this one, I want you and your brother to come up here for a while. You two need some time off, you hear me?"_

"Will do, Bobby." Sam hung up his phone as he reached the bar that he was walking to. They'd stopped at a little town around 8pm. Sam spotted a bar a few blocks away from the motel that they checked into. A perfect opportunity to drink away some of his own problems while Dean gets some alone time.

Sam walked up the steps of the bar and opened the door. The heat and smell of the wood fire and beer mixed with cigarettes and public toilets came over him like an invisible wave. Disgustingly inviting.

~

 

Dean was back at the motel, contemplating having a third or fourth drink- he'd lost count- before Castiel got there. But before he could make up his mind, Cas appeared in front of him.

"Dean,"

"Hey, Cas."

He took a hold of Dean's hands, "How are you feeling?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," he backed onto the couch, pulling his angel along with him, "Sit with me?"

Cas nodded hesitantly and sat next to his hunter, "Did you.. Have a good time driving today?"

"Yeah, it was fine. It's nice to relax afterwards."

After a few awkward beats, Cas picked up the conversation, "I'm glad we can spend this moment together," he placed his hand on Dean's thigh, barely touching him.

Dean had noticed the disconnection since the stall earlier, "You know, you can touch me properly, Cas. I'm not gonna break,"

Cas pulled his hand away and shifted his body to face Dean, "I know- I just.." he held Dean's hand in both of his, "I don't want to ever hurt you again, so playing it safe is for the best,"

Dean pulled his hand away, "but I want a relationship with you, Cas.. I don't want you to pussy foot around me because you're too scared I'll break,"

"I don't think you realise how powerful I am compared to humans- compared to you, Dean. One wrong move, and-"

"-I'm not a fucking idiot." Dean stood from the couch, walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink, "If I wanted a lecture, I'd call Sam or Bobby, okay? All I'm asking is some time before we get heavy." Dean threw down his drink and poured himself another, "If you can't handle it, just fuck off. I get it."

Cas bowed his head. "This is bad timing, but you should know.. The angel war is still ongoing. I'm going to have to focus on it a lot more than ourselves."

"Fucking god damn it." Dean slammed his empty glass onto the table ignoring Cas' flinch, "How long?"

"Months at least." Cas stared as Dean clenched and un clenched his jaw, "Dean, if I could drop everything, I would. But I have obligations. I'm a part of this war."

Dean filled another. "So where does that leave us?"

"I will visit when I can."

"Okay, well, you'd better get back to your war then," Dean set his glass down, filling the his next drink to the brim.

"I don't have to leave yet, I can stay a while,"

"No, Heaven will be wondering where you are, Cas. You'd better go."

"Dean," Cas stood in front of him, holding his hand over the rim of the glass, "Why are you doing this?"

Dean lowered the glass from Cas' hand and pulled it back up to his mouth.

"Dean-,"

Dean held a finger up and spoke around the glass that he had pressed to his lips, "-I don't want to hear it." he finished his drink.

"I'm confused, I- I don't know what I've done."

Dean pulled a face as the whisky burned going down, "It's what you haven't done. It's what you don't do. I am just freaking pissed that you can't jus-"

Cas held the sides of Dean's face and kissed him firmly on the lips. Dean's hands clawed at his chest. Cas sighed into Dean's mouth as they kissed harder, the taste of alcohol filled his senses.

It was Dean that broke the kiss, "..Sorry," he wiped at his mouth as he turned his back on Cas, "I don't know what I'm going to do while you're gone. I guess I expected you to hang around or something."

Cas didn't mask his hurt very well. He was silently grateful that Dean wasn't watching him.

"I don't know," Dean started, "I don't, uh.. I don't-" Dean's face dropped as he turned back to Cas, "What do you want to do?"

"If you need me, I'll be there. All you have to do is call, Dean." 

" _But what if_ -"

"I don't care what you call about- If you call me, I'll be there, do you understand?"

"Yeah, I get it." Dean stumbled backwards onto the bed. Those drinks hit him like a tonne of bricks.

"Good." Cas pressed his lips to Dean's forehead, "Can I stay for a while longer?"

Dean pulled himself up onto the bed and held his arm out. "C'mere." He scooped Cas into his arms.

They cuddled for a while. Content on listening to each other's heart beat. It was corny, but comforting. They didn't mention it.  
Dean fell asleep. When he woke up, he was alone again.

~

 

Cas lived up to his word. 

Dean would call Cas when he and his brother were stuck on a case. He'd call him when he missed him. He'd call him when he was horny. He'd call him when he was having a bad day.  
And he'd sometimes call him in his sleep.

Nine times out of ten, it was a nightmare. Dean would cry out for Cas. 

Sam sat bolt upright in his bed as Dean yelled. Cas was already by Dean's side whispering to him. Sam relaxed back into his bed, still too awake to sleep just yet.

Dean gasped and clung onto Cas' forearms.

"Dean," Cas hushed, "I've got you, you're never going back there, alright?"

"I can't- I can't go back," Dean wept, "Cas-, you've gotta get me out-,"

"You're not there, Dean.. You're here." Cas squeezed at Dean's arms, "You're in a hotel with me and Sam,"

"It's- _hell_ ,"

"It was a dream," Cas cooed as he rubbed a soothing hand over Dean's back, "You're safe." he curled up onto the bed with Dean in his arms, "You're safe."

"Don't leave tonig-," Dean cleared his throat as his voice broke, " _Don't_ -,"

"I'm not going anywhere." 

After a while of Dean shaking and stifling his crying he burst into louder tears, " _I'm too scared to close my eyes_ -,"

Cas planted several kisses on Dean's forehead, hiding his own anguish. No one should have to go through this much pain- especially the man he loves the most.  
He pressed his fingers gently against Dean's temple, "Close your eyes, baby,"

Dean complied. 

His mind was filled with a rolling field. Everything was green and beautiful. The sun was hot. The sound of a river filled his ears. He looked down and in his hand was a fishing rod. He started walking toward the river.

He let Dean cry himself back to sleep.

Sam rolled over in an attempt to give them more privacy. 

It was going to be okay.

Wasn't it?


End file.
